Every Day Struggles

Every day it is a fight to get out of bed. Every day I suffer from depression and struggle to remain motivated. If I didn't have low self-esteem, I would have no self-esteem at all. These obstacles are a constant drain on my energy. I have W*** and his beloved penis to thank for this.  Yet every day I do get out of bed and I do manage to motivate myself, somehow. I have accomplished great things, risen to the top of my profession, seen amazing things and places, all somehow done despite my inner turmoil. I need to bottle this ability and take it off the shelf as needed.

10 Daily Affirmations for Male Survivors

I found this wonderful item on the home page of Male Survivors. I have borrowed it to share with you.

Howard Fradkin, Ph.D., LICDC, Co-Chairperson, MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery

1. Recovery is absolutely possible and achievable for me.
2. I will practice being disloyal to dysfunction and loyal to functionality.
3. I give myself permission to connect to loving, affirmative, strong, sensitive, accepting men and women in my community.
4. I release and forgive myself for any responsibility I have accepted in the past for my abuse.
5. The abuser (s) from the past chose to hurt me; I will stop repeating the lie that it just happened to me.
6. Offering myself daily compassion is necessary for my healing and growth.
7. I commit to connecting to the boy inside me today so we can play, laugh and experience joy together, even if just for a minute or two.
8. I believe deep inside me I possess the ability to face the truth of my abuse and to learn to use new tools for healing.
9. I have the right and the ability to speak the truth of my abuse and deserve to be heard, understood, believed and supported.
10. Feeling is healing; as I heal, I develop the ability to experience a wider range of emotions to enhance my health and connections to others.

Naming names!

The first question, naturally, is what shall I call him? If this blog is about not being silent any longer, than it seems natural that I should just use his name. After all that he did to me it seems fair that I should give him credit. Too, I think there would be a certain stigma attached to his name that would only be just. It would be cathartic for me as well. I would no longer be afraid just at the thought of his name. There it is. In black and white. For all the world to see. Your biggest secret is out.

But I am not that brave yet. He still has power over me. He will, of course, deny everything. Which would make me question my newly found strength. Of course he did it, right? Words are failing me. My mind wanders, does not wish to deal with what I'm writing about. It is only natural. Defense mechanisms of 35 years are hard to over come.

There are also legal considerations. The is no way to prove what he did, not after 35 years. If I name him, he could easily sue me and win (not that I have that much he could take). When I first started having flashbacks ten years ago I found that the statute of limitations had run out on his crimes. The State, the legal system, protects him now as my silence did before. If he sues, the State will not only protect him but reward him. It is an insane system.

As to the naming question, I could just call him Dick, or Shorty (sadly not true). But I think instead I will adopt the convention of just using his first initial. That way, should he ever come across this blog, he will know that I am taking about him and he can worry that some day I will write out his name. For now then, he is simply W***.

I hope some day to have the courage to spell out his name.

I wonder .....

I wonder, now that the day is near done, why did I bother to get out of bed this morning!